Journal of a Hardnosed Man
by nedthejanitor
Summary: See, the title's funny because Krillin has no nose, and yet he is a statue. This is a companion piece to "Diary of a Stoned Namek," detailing the inner thoughts of Krillin in his brief period as a stone statue.


**Disclaimer: I'd come up with something clever, but I exhausted all my creative juices with that amazing fanfic title, so y'all are just gonna have to eat shit and like it.**

Well, this is just great. I'm a statue. 18's gonna love that.

Maron (one r or two? Honestly, I still forget sometimes) might be more understanding. She's such a sweet kid. She'll probably leave me be while I stand frozen by the door, unable to ever move again. 18, though, she won't. She's probably going to start using me as a coat rack. Or, even worse, start using my face as a make-up model. She's been into that stuff, lately.

Master Roshi? He's probably just going to laugh at me and make me watch him play Flappy Bird on his laptop for about twelve hours a day. I hear those noises even when he's not playing it. The noise when he loses is the worst, that punching sound. You know when you hear something over and over again so much, you start not hearing it even when it keeps happening? I WISH THAT WOULD HAPPEN WITH FLAPPY BIRD.

Oolong would… well, I'm not sure. Sometimes I can't pin him down. It seems like all he ever does is eat and sleep. Maybe he's depressed. The last time he really got to do anything was when he stopped uh… Pilate, or whoever that blue guy was, from making a wish. Really, I feel sorry for him, because I understand how he feels. The last time I even got the chance to be useful was when I had the remote to shut off the androids. But, y'know, I don't regret what I did that day for a second. I REGRET IT FOR SEVEN YEARS AFTERWARDS!

Whew.

I think the only one who wouldn't do anything at all is the turtle. He's chill. Except, I think he's getting into some skeevy stuff lately. I saw him in the backyard one evening smoking a doobie. Pretty sure 18 would murder him if she saw him anywhere near Mar(r?)on with that stuff. Then again, I've seen Roshi and Oolong do a whole lot of stuff I swore was going to get them killed in front of 18 and she was- well, she was unhappy but she didn't murder them. Android 18 really isn't as mean as people think she is. But, boy, is she intimidating. If you see her walking toward you with a scowl on her face, it's like a super powerful laxative or something. That's really gross, but the best comparison I have. Anyway, Turtle's level.

Man, being a statue is boooring… I wonder how Piccolo's holding up. I'd make a mental link with him, if I ever learned how to do that from Goku. My trip down Snake Way back when Frieza killed me didn't go well at all- I spent all my time at Princess Snake's mansion trying to get in with one of the blue babes. I love the color blue. Those snake girls had pretty blue skin, Maron (the ex, not my kid) had that blue Bulma hair, and 18's got those light blue piercing eyes. GOD, instant wood. Anyway, I never got to King Kai's planet, so the only one who can teach me now is Goku. So I may as well forget it; trying to get information out of Goku is like trying to squeeze blood out of a dragon ball. Son of a gun.

I can't hear much, but when the wind blows, I can kind of hear a faint, like, whoosh sound. It's really weird. I can't stop trying to move my arms. Mainly because, when (or if) I get unfrozen I'm going to have really sore arms from having them in this position for several hours. Darn it.

If anyone reading my thoughts right now is curious why I'm not cussing, it's because when Maron was born, 18 decided we would never use bad language around her. Well, when 18 puts her mind to something, she does it with gusto, heh. Neither of us were able to swear ever again, ever. If I started to swear, she'd start squeezing my head, and when someone stronger than a Super Saiyan starts squeezing your head, YOU JUST FORGET HOW TO CURSE ALTOGETHER. Seriously, when people start talking about the F word or the S word, I have no idea what they could be talking about. Fungus? Sparta? God, I wish 18 hadn't squeezed so hard, then I might thunk not as so bad.

WHOA, I think I feel a bird! It just landed on my shoulder. Oh crap, oh great, oh Lord Kami on Snake way, please don't let this thing eat my hair. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but ever since I grew this stuff out, I've just been really, really paranoid about it. Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat thinking someone came in my room with a pair of scissors. I've vowed never to use my Destructo Disc again because I'm afraid it'll get too close to the 'do and screw up everything! One time, Maron came into my room while I was asleep and started pulling on my hair. I still have bad flashbacks about that one.

Oh, I think the bird went away. That's good.

How long this going to take? I'd like it if they got around to collecting the dragon balls and un-stoning Piccolo and I. But these Saiyans never get in a hurry about anything. They're probably dragging it out as long as possible, fighting amongst themselves, occasionally killing one of Bobb- uh, Boobie- no, darn it, the wizard guy's henchmen. Whatever the guy's name is? I forgot. As it turns out, being transformed into a STONE STATUE has a way of making you forget a few things. Who would have thought?

I can already hear all the drama-queen things Android 18 is going to say when she finds out that I'm like this. "This is harder than you've been in years," that's the first one that comes to my mind. Ugghhh…


End file.
